


Princess Master Teapot and the Temple of Boring Adults Kissing

by thehaikubandit



Category: Campaign (Podcast), Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: It does not go to plan, M/M, the crew play an rpg
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-12
Updated: 2017-11-12
Packaged: 2019-02-01 07:19:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12700068
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thehaikubandit/pseuds/thehaikubandit
Summary: Lyn tries to teach the crew about the perils of Archaeology using a traditional ExplorCorps training technique. Some of them would rather get sidetracked.(set between the Phindar and Roche arcs)





	Princess Master Teapot and the Temple of Boring Adults Kissing

It was shortly after the official debrief that Lyn called an “informal gathering as compliant with subsection ii.”

“There is something I very much need us to do,” she said.

“Whoa, whoa,” said Tryst. “Is this an informal gathering as compliant with subsection ii or a formal request meeting? Because that requires a very different kimono. The pinstriped one.”

“Not to mention it has to be approved by committee,” said Leenik.

“There is something I think might be fun to do informally?”

“I’ll allow it.”

“Seconded.”

“Motion passed.”

“When Tryst and I recovered the shields from Ploan, I became worried about what would happen if we needed to do it again. There are things about archaeological missions I take for granted that you may not know about. And I think it might be good if you learn them?”

“You as in Tryst, or you as in all of us?” asked Leenik. “Because I know how to read, which is something people take for granted. Do you mean reading?”

“No, all of you,” said Lyn quickly. “And not reading. During my Explorcorps training, we played a game to help prepare us for missions.”

“I think it’s a great idea,” said Bacta. “You can never be too prepared.”

“How do you play?” asked Neemo. “I mean, if I’m playing?”

“We can all play.”

“Tony wants to play as well,” said Leenik.

“Everyone with the ability to speak Basic can play,” said Bacta firmly. “Besides, Tony’s all tired after his vet adventures. I’m sure he’d rather sleep.”

“Everyone makes a character,” said Lyn. “And then using a holoprojector you have to navigate traps and find a treasure.”

“I wanna be a princess,” said Tamlin. “I’ll only play if I can be a princess.”

“We all know Lyn wants a princess,” said Tryst. Lyn pointedly ignored him.

“There are four roles we need,” she said. “A jedi master, to lead the expedition; a librarian, to read the map and guide us; a medic, in case you get hurt; and a mechanic, to find and disable traps.”

“I wanna be the jedi!”

“I thought you wanted to be a princess buddy?”

Tamlin hummed and thought about this.

“I’ll be a jedi princess,” he said.

Ok, one jedi princess. I guess I’m the medic?”

“Boring,” said Leenik.

“Absolutely boring,” said Tryst. “This sounds like role playing, and let me tell you, there is no point pretending to be yourself. You think I pretend to be a pilot in the bedroom? No! I’m the sexy maid, or a tailor. That’s how this works.”

“The point of this is not so much the characters,” said Lyn. “But more to teach you how to safely navigate a dungeon or ruin.”

“If we are doing this,” said Leenik. “We are doing it properly.”

 

Five hours later they had characters and an indepth backstory. Neemo mentioned setting, but to save time Lyn told him they’d use a pre-made adventure.

“That seems like a lazy way out,” he said, very disappointed.

“Can we please start?” asked Lyn.

“How do we actually play?” asked Leenik.

“So here is the map,” Lyn pulled it up. “You start here. Each of you gets a different coloured dot. You tell me what you want to do, and then you have to solve a puzzle for different things. Or else roll some dice.”

“Can we start by introducing our characters?”

“Leenik, we just did that for five hours.”

“I know, I just want to make sure we all know who we are.”

Lyn buried her head in her hands.

“Fine,” she said, faintly muffled.

 

“I’m Librarian To-Nii,” said Leenik. “I can find the location of anything with my maps, but I can’t find the only thing I’m truly searching for, true love.”

“Me next! I’m um, Princess Master Teapot. And I’ve got a lightsabre and am a jedi! And I have a crown because I’m a princess.”

“And I’m his faithful padawan,” said Neemo. “Padawan Cupps. With two ps. I want to make my master proud of me.”

“I’m Bort. Doctor Bort. Doctor Bort the Second. I’m tall, blonde and devastatingly handsome.”

There was a pause.

“Right, yes,” said Bacta. “I’m the mechanic, Data P’ad.”

 

“If you’re all finished,” said Lyn. “You are standing at the entrance to a temple. Inside is rumoured to be an ancient jedi holocron. But in order to retrieve it you must defeat the Separatist Archaeologists and evade the traps.”

“Wait, Separatists?” Bacta looked a little alarmed.

“What’s a Separatist?” asked Tamlin, looking between them all in confusion.

“Bad guys,” said Bacta. “The ones I fought in the war.”

“Admittedly this game is a little outdated,” said Lyn. “But that’s what it says.”

“Oh, I want to open the door,” said Leenik.

“You try but you cannot open the door,” said Lyn. “It requires something that you do not possess.”

“I use the Force!” said Neemo. “And impress my master with my talent.”

“Are you sure?” asked Lyn.

“Yes!”

“You die a horrible death as you forgot to check for traps, and are shot by poisonous darts. They kill you.”

There was silence.

“Fine,” said Neemo. “But I’m helping make the story more interesting.”

He moved around to sit next to Lyn and peered at her datapad.

 

“Can we walk in now?”

“Yes Tamlin, the door is open now.”

“I lead the way!”

“I rush past and check the next room for traps,” said Bacta. He was made to solve a puzzle.

“You find there are no traps, and the entryway is safe.”

“I follow them into the temple, walking with a style few can match,” said Tryst. “My hair blows dramatically in the breeze.”

“I watch him walk in front of me,” said Leenik. And then he blushed a deep blue.

“I notice him watching and wink over my shoulder.”

“I guess that’s perception?” said Lyn. “So roll the dice.”

“Oh, I so succeed.”

“I wink back.”

“This isn’t treasure hunting! We’re meant to find treasure!”

“Tamlin,” said Neemo. “Remember, every story needs a good romance.”

Tamlin pouted.

“The room you’re standing in is large, with a high ceiling,” said Neemo. “There are many columns down the sides of the room. There doesn’t appear to be another way out. On the walls are beautiful paintings, that look as though they were created by a wise and gentle civilisation, aeons ago.”

“They can all see the room,” said Lyn.

“Well, I’m giving the story flavour!”

“It’s a survival exercise, not a story.”

 

“Can we find a way forward?”

“Bacta, that sounds like a question for your librarian.”

“Sorry, To-Nii, do we know how to leave this room?”

“Wait, how would Tony know?”

“Leenik, I meant you!”

“You could have just said so.”

“Leenik, how do we leave?”

“Through the door we came in?”

“Leenik, please roll a perception, or consult a map,” said Lyn.

“I roll a perception.”

“Alright, you see -”

“No, I want to look at Doctor Bort.”

Lyn looked like she wanted to cry.

“Doctor Bort is examining a painting on the wall,” said Neemo. “He looks pensive and the beauty of the painting is reflected in his eyes, making them shine even more than usual.”

 

“I check for traps again,” interrupted Bacta. “Not in this room, but I try to sense them through a wall.”

“A nice try,” said Lyn. “But will you need to be close to a trap for that to work.”

“I divide the room into a metre square grid,” said Bacta. A red grid was projected into the image of the room. “And then I search the first square for traps.”

“I use the force,” said Tamlin. “And um, try to feel a way to go.”

“Take minus 10 because you are sad your padawan died,” said Neemo.

“That’s not how it works,” said Lyn. “You can’t have more than a minus three.”

“He’s just that sad.”

“No,” said Tamlin. “Because jedi never get sad because they can’t um...”

He looked at Bacta.

“Form attachments.”

“Right!”

“Yeah, but you’re an Explorcorps jedi,” said Neemo. “Not a proper jedi. That much I do know from when I wrote Jedi Noon. Even though it was hard to research.”

“They were proper jedi!” said Lyn. “I worked with many of them. Tamlin, you get to use the force to search for the next room. Roll your dice. And no minus anything.”

“Two!”

“Oh, not this time. Maybe next time. Tryst, it’s your turn.”

“I roll to seduce To-Nii.”

“20...”

 

The resulting seduction was described by Neemo for the next hour. During this time, Tamlin wandered off to play with a lizard. Bacta continued to talk to Lyn, and worked through grid squares, checking for traps. Tryst and Leenik moved a little closer to each other in the booth.

“I roll to kiss Doctor Bort gently,” said Leenik.

“Describe how you want to kiss him,” said Neemo. “More of a chaste _Love on an Alien World_ kiss, or a full, strong, _Shatter City Hearts_ kiss?”

“Somewhere in the middle?”

“He kisses me like this,” said Tryst, and pulled in Leenik for a kiss. Leenik visibly swooned.

“You find it!” said Lyn. “Grid square K199!”

“Shhhh,” said Neemo. “You’ll ruin the moment.”

 

KAT set off the timer at this point.

“Bed time pie. Bed time pie.”

“Cancel timer KAT,” said Bacta. “Tamlin, bed time.”

Tamlin entered the room with a lizard dressed in small, jedi robes made of a blue towel.

“But I didn’t get to find any treasure!”

“Tell you what,” said Bacta, with a glance at the booth and the still swooning Leenik. “I don’t think that Leenik will have a chance to tell you a story tonight. Why don’t we get Uncle Lyn to tell you about a real treasure hunt?”

“Really?”

“If you’d like Tamlin,” said Lyn.

“Ok!”

The three of them left the kitchen and headed for Tamlin’s bunk. By the time Lyn reached the end of the story, Tamlin was fast asleep.


End file.
